One liners

I've decided to write songs about sewing machines
Im a singer song writer

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.

Have you played the updated kids' game? I Spy With My Little Eye . . . Phone.

You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”

If 2x2 makes 4 and 3x3 makes 9,how come 0x0 makes gravy?

You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.

“You live and learn. At any rate, you live.”

From:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/2bcFfMt6rGLTPpbG0yLwPw0/42-douglas-adams-quotes-to-live-by

surprise peas give you wet pants


Oh I do like to lower the tone

Leeks can cause the same problem.

Surprise peas !
That's going back a bit.

Hedonistic philosophy:

you only live wants.

Velcro—what a rip-off!

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

I used to be big headed but I'm perfect now

Today’s Squirrel Appreciation Day so I’m celebrating - it’s the hoarder of the drey!

A clock on the moon is called a lunartick.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a clock? A cluck!

Someone stole all my next door neighbours grass last night.
He’s out there now looking forlorn...

Good job nobody took afence

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.