Clearing up any Confusion

and..............................

but there’s a whole new roll behind you??
- i’m well aware of that sandra, just hand me the newspaper please…

“A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

‘Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...

…Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John…

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.”

Nowhere in the bible does it say Noah needed planning permission to build his ark, it seems he just built it. Yet when I wanted to build a small granny flat over my garage, the Council did me over good and proper. Seems there is one rule for some old prophet of doom and one for the rest of us. Don't even get me started on Joshua knocking down those supporting walls at Jericho. If they weren't Grade 2 listed I'll eat my hat.

I'll send some sauce to go with the hat.............

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deck hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen beers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's The guy I'm here here to talk to- The mentally challenged one."

BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know?

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and
cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
soluti on, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos =
MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem p*ssed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three
times, then said "oh sh!#$." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Schoolkids howlers
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Driving home early for Christmas

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..

You can't fix stupid.