Wiggin Fair.

All the present to-do about the vandalism of Wigan town centre brought to my mind happier days – those of the old market square, and the arrival twice yearly – in May and October – of Wigan Fair.
At one time, as well as the roundabouts, rides, and sideshows, a number of stalls could be found selling all sorts of patent medicines –corn cures, liniment, ointment, and what-have-you.
Many of the manufacturers and sellers of these cures used to give themselves specious titles; Doctor This, and Professor That, etc.
Below is a dialect poem I wrote some years ago, about a chap who was daft enough to buy one of the medicines on offer at the fair.


Pills An’ Potions

Jack Halstead wor’ a gloomy mon,
Wi’ a face so lung an’ dreary.
If yo’ axed him heaw hi wor’
Hi’d gi’ a sigh so weary:

‘Ah’m noan so bad, Ah con’t complain,
Ther’s fooalk wuss off than me.
But theer agen, Ah’m noan so good,
Ah’ve geet this pain yo’ see …’

An’ then hi’d tell thi such a tale,
O’ suff’rin’ an’ disease,
Uv heaw hi’d getten yedwarch,
An’ rheumatic i’ booath knees.

Hi’d trouble wi’ his bally,
Hi thowt his seet wor’ failin’
Wheer mooast fooalk thrive o’ good health,
Jack on’y thrived wi’ ailin’

Hi wor’ ne’er away frum t’docther’s
Wi imaginary ills,
Hi spent o’ his brass i’ t’chemist’s shop,
O’ liniment an’ pills.

An' when t’quacks come to Wiggin Fair,
Wi’ their potions an’ their patter,
Jack wor’ allus fust i’ t’queue,
Fer t’buy their coloured watter.

One Wiggin Fair Jack bowt a cure,
Frum ‘Perfesser Charles De Vere’,
It wor’ in a big breawn bottle,
Labelt ‘Equine Panacea’

Jack thowt as t’words wor’ Latin,
Lahk o’ t’best docther’s terms,
Hi didn’t know as t’stuff wor’ meant,
Fur hosses mault wi’ t’worms.

Hi thowt it wor’ a stomach cure,
Went whoam an’ took a dose,
Then made a dash fer t’petty,
By gum burr it wor’ close!

Hi on’y just gee theer i’ tahm,
An’ sut theer in a sweat,
That wor’ last October …
Hi’s still stuck i’ theer yet!        

M. Finney 2002.

Nice accent, Mickrick. The fair was a great attraction back then, before television....