I only pass 'em on....

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe ?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty !' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior ?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ !' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child ?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half !'

The nun fainted...

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when Jack noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. Fred replied that he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", Jack persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" Fred replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." Well," Jack asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay, this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" Fred replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, Jack asked, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a bunker. What are you going to do then?" "No problem," said Fred, "this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needed only the one golf ball, Jack asked, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

"I found it."...

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???




OH, come on... Take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!





Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds




With


OneStone !!

That's a cracker, DF...

Man gets home, tells wife 'Get me a beer before it starts' he drinks it then says 'Quick get me another before it starts' again she gets it he drinks it & says 'another before it starts' She says 'Listen here you lazy fat slob, you walk in, sit down & start barking orders... He says 'bugger me it's started'

Keep 'em coming..DF...

At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on the porch. One turns to the other and says, ‘I say, old boy, have you read Marx?’


The other says, ‘Yes, it’s these wicker chairs.’...

A man goes to see a wizard and says,

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"May be," said the wizard.

"If you can remember the exact words of the curse."

The man replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was nothin’, right? Jus’ got in this teeny little fender-bender after leaving the pub. Barely scratched the bumper of the car in front of me.

So I get out of the car, and the other driver does too, an’ it’s this dwarf. And he’s all lookin’ at the scratch and shaken his lil’ head and makin’ these lil’ notes on this lil’ pad. And I’m jus’ like dumbfounded at the whole scene, right?

And then finally, he comes up to me, gives me the evil eye and says, “I am not happy.”

So I says, “Oh yeah? Then which one of ‘em are you then?”

…and that’s when the fight started.....

Saw the worst mind reader ever last night..

Mind reader: "Think of a card, any card."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Visualize it in your mind."
Me: "OK"
Mind reader: "Is it the Nine of Clubs?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "Ace of spades?"
Me: "No"
Mind reader: "What is it then?"

Me: "Happy Birthday".............

Women gloats to her husband.
Look at this dress that I bought, what a bargain i got it for a ridiculous figure.
Husband. You're not joking.

He is being discharged on Wednesday, and will make a full recovery....

Well that's sorted the sponsorship problem!

The college head was briefing the new intake of students. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule for a second time will be fined £60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of £180. Are there any questions?” At this, a student in the crowd raised his hand and asked ..............

“Er… how much is it for a season ticket?”...