I only pass 'em on....

My car broke down today. So I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine.
He said: "Hello sir, you are very handsome and a very smart dresser too."
I could see the problem straight away ..... bat flattery................................................

Paddy and Murphy are walking down a country lane when they come to a small bridge where they see one man dangling another man over the edge by his ankles. After a couple of minutes the chap dangling shouts up "OK Dave". He then gets pulled up and has a huge freshly caught salmon in his hands which he pops in a bag. Dave then lowers the chap over the edge of the bridge again and five minutes later gets the call "OK Dave". Again, he gets lifted up again by Dave and has another freshly caught salmon in his hands which he pops into the bag. Paddy turns to Murphy and says "Murphy, we got to try this!".
Paddy and Murphy walk to the next bridge and Paddy slowly lowers Murphy until he is dangling over the edge by his ankles.
Five minutes pass, then ten and fifteen. Finally after about 20 minutes Murphy suddenly shouts up "quick Paddy pull me up, pull me up!""Great! have you got a fish?" replies Paddy.
"No there's a train coming".............

My daughter just phoned me and the conversation went like this!..
Her: "You know that Gladiator movie that I got you?"
Me: "Yeah."
Her: "Wind it forward one hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds."
Me: "Right, I've done that"
Her: "Okay, you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion!"
Me: "I can see that, yeah."
Her: "Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"
Me: Okay, I see them."
Her: "Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear."
Me: "Yes! I can see her!"
Her: Right..! Those are the sandals I want for my birthday...................

A woman posts her profile on a dating app. Two days later, she gets a message back, saying, "I would love to meet you, but I need to tell you that I am eight feet tall, covered in long, mangy fur riddled with fleas, and have glowing yellow eyes, razor sharp claws and long, drooly fangs. If you are still interested in meeting me, I'll be sitting on a bench in Mesnes Park at five o'clock this afternoon."
The woman replies, "I would love to meet you, but could you please wear a red rose and some French cologne so I can recognise you?"...

More of a quote...however, enjoy................

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a £100 her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the £100 in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of money
"What's this?" she asked.
"That's the £8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."........................