I only pass 'em on....

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday....................

I went in for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who can be responsible".
"Well I'm your guy!" I replied,
The manager said "Why's that then?"
I smiled and said "At my old job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was always responsible."............

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
"I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?” ”Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive.
How old is he?” “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive… he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?”
”Who said my grandpa’s dead?” Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?” “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?” .........
”Who said he wanted to?”.............

And..there I was, happily on Christmas card lists of lovely female, Wigan Peers members...and then, all of a sudden.....

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered.
A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey....................

At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cheese scones.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years."....