I only pass 'em on....

A TV reporter is sent to cover a high society charity event when he spots a man he knows to be worth millions. Seizing the opportunity, the reporter requests an interview - a request that is immediately is granted.

Reporter: "So tell me sir, how did you became a millionare?"

Millionare: "I can honestly say that I would never have become a millionaire if it was not for my darling wife. My millionaire status is almost entirely due to her efforts over the years."

Reporter: "That is absolutely amazing - she must be a wonderful person. So tell me, sir, what were you before you married your wife?"

Millionare: "A billionaire!"...........

A man brings his best golf mate home, totally unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, following an afternoon on the golf course. His wife screams her head off while his golfing friend sits open mouthed, listening to the tirade. "My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is in a dreadful mess and dirty dishes are piled up in the kitchen sink. Can't you see I'm still in my ******* pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married ..........".......................

A worried woman sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" the female voice said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," replied the woman, bursting into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and hubby is bringing home two colleagues for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the woman. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 01234 567890?" "No, this is 01234 567891." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the other woman said, "Oh dear, does this mean you're not coming over?"....

A woman was nearing the end of her tether – every night her husband snored so loudly that it kept her awake. She decided to call the family doctor to see if there was anything that could be done to relieve her nightly suffering.

“Well, there is one course of action I can recommend that will cure your husband of his snoring,” said the doctor, “but I must warn you that it is rather expensive. It will cost you a deposit of £15,000, and payments of £1,000 for 48 months, as well as money for extras.”

“Good grief!” exclaimed the woman. “That sounds like I’m buying him a yacht!”

“Hmm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”.....

The man who developed hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.


R. I. P. Scott Chegg.......

After just 2 days, a man lost his new job as the marketing manager of a prestigious sweet manufacturing company. The chief executive had given him a £3 million advertising budget and told him to spend it wisely or lose his job.

On the morning of the third day, the new marketing manager pulled up in his brand new Ferrari and said to the chief executive, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”...

A criminal with a long record of transgressions was on trial for his latest crime.
The jury found him guilty on 33 counts and the judge sentenced him to 189 years.
Realizing that even with time off for good behaviour he would be over one hundred when he was released, the prisoner burst into tears.
Noting this display of remorse, the judge reconsidered.
He said, “I didn’t mean to be so severe.
Thinking it over, I can see that I’ve imposed an extremely harsh sentence.
So you don’t have to serve the whole time.”

The prisoner beamed with new found hope until the judge leaned toward him and said .......

“Just do a much as you can.”...