I only pass 'em on....

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping– Love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, vomited in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”...

A man and his wife were on a driving holiday, were looking for a hotel for the night. When they found one the manager said, “You’re welcome to stay here but it costs £100 each for the night.” That was well outside their budget, so they politely turned the offer down and asked if there was anywhere cheaper in the vicinity. The manager replied, "Yes, in fact there is an old hotel just up the road and it's only £25 each but, I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the building being haunted". The couple thought nothing of it and made their way to the cheaper hotel. When they arrived they paid the £25 each and, out of curiosity, asked the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager said "Oh that's a load of rubbish! I've been here 250 years and never seen any sign of a ghost!".......

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven, St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,so we now have a short test that you have to pass to get in." Forrest responds, "Shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. but nobody never tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life were a big enough test itself." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: what two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second: how many seconds are there in a year? Third: what is God's first name?" Forrest sits down for a while to mull the questions over. Eventually, he stands up again before the Gates. St. Peter says, "Now that you have thought the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "That's not what I was thinking, but you have a point, so I'll give you credit for that. How about the next question - how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but ah thunk and thunk about that an' ah guess the only answer can be twelve." Confounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve? How in Heaven's name didyou come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd . . . . . ." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, that's the easirst of all"its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I larn'd it from that ther 'In the Garden' song. . . . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."

St. Peter gave up, opened the Pearly Gates and said, "Run Forrest, run!"....

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'
The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'
As they left the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman?
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'
'I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick.'
'Huh,' the younger doctor said. 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'
Arriving at the next house they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'
'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
'I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees it from a distance and thinks: 'not seen one of those before, but looks edible'.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with a menacing. The dog starts to panic but, as he's about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly "mmm... that was really tasy lion meat!" The lion abruptly stops, thinking "Woah! This creature seems tougher thenit looks, I better leave while I can".

Over on a tree top, a monkey witnesses everything and realises he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. The monkey yells to the lion telling what really happened. Angrily the lion says to the monkey, "Get on my back, hang on tight and we'll run and get him together." So they start rushing back towards the dog. The dog sees them, realises what must have happened and starts to panic once more.

He then gets another idea and shouts "Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"....

I REPEAT, I ONLY PASS 'EM ON....Groan............

There's this inflatable boy, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day.
Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.
The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatbale school gates.
Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school.
He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.
A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police.
Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself.
Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.

(This does get worse, you know...)

Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."......

A lion is walking through the jungle, very full of his own importance, when he comes across a warthog; “Hey, Warthog,” he asks, “who’s the king of the jungle?” “You are, oh mighty lion!”, the warthog replies, and the lion walks off, pleased & satisfied. A short while later he comes across a hyena; “Hey, Hyena,” he asks, “who’s the king of the jungle?” “You are, oh mighty lion!”, the hyena replies, and the lion walks off, even more pleased & satisfied. A short while later he comes across a gorilla; “Hey, gorilla,” he asks, “who’s the king of the jungle?” The gorilla glances at him, ignores him completely and goes back to eating his lunch. The lion gets a bit cross, and raising his voice says: “HEY GORILLA, I asked you a question - who’s the king of the jungle..??” The gorilla stops eating, reaches out, grabs the lion by his tail and proceeds to smash him several times against a nearby tree, leaving the lion in a terrible state, before starting to wander off. As he leaves he hears the lion weakly say: “Look, there was no need to get cross just because you didn’t know the answer...”..

I was in a bar (a while ago now!!) and asked the barman for the WiFi password.

You have to buy a drink he said.

No problem OK I said I'll have a pint of cider. Now what's the password I asked again. You have to buy a drink no capitals all lower case!!....

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am. He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is 7th July, the seventh day of the seventh month. As he steps outside his house, he notices number 7 Bus going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to £7.77. The man thinks 'hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something.'

Feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man leaves early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse number 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the bookie and bets all his money on the horse .......................


....................... it came in seventh....

An country boy and his father were visiting a mall in the city for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son ..........

"Go get your mother."...

Before we continue with this christening, Mr and Mrs Royd, are you sure you want to call your daughter Emma?...

It's Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England, and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service, where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.
But this year is different. The local village cricket team has just won their league, and the village is in celebratory mood, so the vicar decides to do something special - he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.
The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers. People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables, and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket; a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end, and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.
Everything is going fine, until one lady comes up to the front of the church, and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables, but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat, still clutching her peas.

"What happened?" asked the lady she's sitting next to. She shrugs her shoulders, and says:

"There's no peas for the wicket."...

Look, I'll meet you halfway: I'll admit your wrong if you'll admit I'm right....