I only pass 'em on....

A man decides he needs help to keep his house clean and tidy
and so he phones a cleaning agency for advice , they tell him
they will send a girl round twice a week and shell keep his house
spic n span , they tell him she is a new girl and is eastern european
so just have patience with her at first , after a few weeks the agency
manager phones the chap to see if all is o.k , its great says the man, my
house is as clean as ever im not complaining but curious ,as when she does
the carpets it takes her half a day , is it an eastern european thing , ah
says the manager .......... shes a slovac.

Ellen and Marie met up one day for a reunion lunch. Eyeing the jewellery around Marie’s neck, Ellen asked, “What’s in that locket? Is it a memento of some sort?” “Yes,” replied Marie. “It’s a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But your husband’s still alive!”

“I know, but his hair is long since gone.”...............

Went into the local B&Q and asked for four heaters.
Salesman sent me next door to the Mexican restaurant!!...

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!). 'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works Fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?' 'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.' Have a nice day.....

"40 years of marriage."

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful buggers should remember fairies are female.....

My favourite composer is Handel. Who later teamed up with Hinge and Bracket to form The Doors....


TAXI.................!!!!!!

I went in to a wine shop and saw next to 2 bottles a sign which read, '2 bottles of wine for £10'. I pointed to the left-hand one and asked, "how much would that one be by itself?" The assistant replied, £7.50." I said ..........

........ "In that case, I'll have the other one!"....................

After birth how long does it take to open eyes?

COW- Immediately.

GOAT- After 2 hours.

CAT- After 6 days

DOG-After 10 days

HUMAN BEING. After Marriage

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note... After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes." .....