HomeI only pass 'em on....
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I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Wed 30 Oct 2019, 5:35 pm
One day, very many years ago, long after the great flood waters had died down, God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mucker, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want, after all - you're the boss... " But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK oh Supreme One, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK... my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Yep...". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Correctamundo". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing... "Dunno", says God....
WAIT FOR IT……………………………….
"I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark"....
"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers. "Fish?", queries Noah God replies; "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Koi carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Koi Carp!" Noah looks to the skies. "OK... my old mate, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" Yep...". "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Correctamundo". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly getting increasingly worried about either the sanity of God or his own hearing... "Dunno", says God....
WAIT FOR IT……………………………….
"I just fancied a Multi-Story Carp Ark"....
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Maureen Wed 30 Oct 2019, 7:16 pm
A good 'un that Fred..sat here tittering.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by ramiejamie Wed 30 Oct 2019, 9:58 pm
Admin, a cracker that one LOL 
I LOVE clever wordplay.
I LOVE clever wordplay.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Mon 18 Nov 2019, 7:17 pm
Ray and jo-anne...enjoy this one...
Anonymous Marriage One-liners
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Preparing for Marriage - A look at hell
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Anonymous Marriage One-liners
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.'
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Preparing for Marriage - A look at hell
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A husband said to his wife, 'No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.'
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by gassey Mon 18 Nov 2019, 8:46 pm
An Irishman went to the patent office to register
his new invention , a multiple loaf slicer . The officer
said to him its better if he can sing a song connected
to his invention , so paddy bursts into a chorus of
" Im looking over a four loaf cleaver "
his new invention , a multiple loaf slicer . The officer
said to him its better if he can sing a song connected
to his invention , so paddy bursts into a chorus of
" Im looking over a four loaf cleaver "
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Tue 19 Nov 2019, 7:17 pm
A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantlepiece," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as is usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He makes his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.
"This will look good on my mantlepiece," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as is usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."
He gets his Coke and drinks it.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.
He makes his third and last wish.
"I wish I'd never have to work again."
Instantly, he was back in his government office.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Thu 21 Nov 2019, 7:16 pm
An actor had been out of work for 15 years because he always forgot his lines.
Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a small part in a play.
All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take the role.
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself .....
“Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance on the stage, he heard a loud BOOOOOM!
He turned around and said,
“What the hell was that?”
Then one day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for a small part in a play.
All he had to say was “Hark! I hear the cannon roar! After much worry the actor decided to take the role.
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself .....
“Hark! I hear the cannon roar! Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
The time for the entrance finally came and as the actor made his appearance on the stage, he heard a loud BOOOOOM!
He turned around and said,
“What the hell was that?”
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Fri 22 Nov 2019, 5:01 pm
Don't forget to turn your bathroom scales back 15 lb's at 2am on Christmas Eve. 
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Sun 24 Nov 2019, 7:51 pm
Chappie say's.....
I am NOT an alcoholic...
I am a drunk.....
Alcoholics go to meetings...Hmmmph..... Hic......
I am NOT an alcoholic...
I am a drunk.....
Alcoholics go to meetings...Hmmmph..... Hic......
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by gassey Tue 26 Nov 2019, 5:44 pm
A woman texts her husband at work on a freezing frosty morning
" windows seem to have froze and are not opening " he texts back
" pour some warm water on them and tap the frame gently with a
hammer" she texts back an hour later " computer not working at all now !! "
" windows seem to have froze and are not opening " he texts back
" pour some warm water on them and tap the frame gently with a
hammer" she texts back an hour later " computer not working at all now !! "
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Tue 26 Nov 2019, 5:58 pm
Tsk, tsk...women drivers,(Computer users) Eh?...
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by gassey Sat 30 Nov 2019, 7:00 am
Im only passing this on from Tony Blackburn
on his sounds of the 60's show this morning
My new motown wardrobe arrived yesterday , its
alright but it only holds four tops
looking for me coat
on his sounds of the 60's show this morning
My new motown wardrobe arrived yesterday , its
alright but it only holds four tops
looking for me coat
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Sun 01 Dec 2019, 7:17 pm
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by Admin Sun 01 Dec 2019, 7:20 pm
20 reasons why men should be happier than women:-
1. Their last name is theirs for life.
2. The garage is all theirs.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. They can never be pregnant.
6. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. They can wear NO shirt to a water park.
8. They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
9. Same work, more pay.
10. Wrinkles add character.
11. Wedding dress £2000. Suit hire £100.
12. People never stare at their chest when talking to them.
13. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
14. A five-day holiday requires only one small suitcase.
15. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
16. They only have to shave their face and neck.
17. They can play with toys all their life.
18. They can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.
19. They can "do" their nails with a pen knife.
20. They have freedom of choice over having a mustache.
1. Their last name is theirs for life.
2. The garage is all theirs.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. They can never be pregnant.
6. They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. They can wear NO shirt to a water park.
8. They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
9. Same work, more pay.
10. Wrinkles add character.
11. Wedding dress £2000. Suit hire £100.
12. People never stare at their chest when talking to them.
13. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
14. A five-day holiday requires only one small suitcase.
15. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
16. They only have to shave their face and neck.
17. They can play with toys all their life.
18. They can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.
19. They can "do" their nails with a pen knife.
20. They have freedom of choice over having a mustache.
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Re: I only pass 'em on....
by gassey Mon 02 Dec 2019, 3:51 pm
a man was walking in the countryside when he came across the farmer walking his dog , they exchange
greetings and walk along together . The man asks the farmer if he can speak to his dog , the farmer replies
go ahead but hes a dog he dont talk , the man says hello doggie how are you the dog replies im fine well fed
and looked after , the farmer is amazed but they walk on ,in the next field the farmers horse comes across to
greet them , can i speak to your horse says the man , now your being daft says the farmer , hello horsey , how
are you says the man , really good says the horse plenty hay and a warm stable , the farmer is astounded . they
carry on walking until a sheep wanders up to the farmer and starts baaaaaaaing , The farmer says to the man ,
before we go any further ,
That sheeps a liar !!
greetings and walk along together . The man asks the farmer if he can speak to his dog , the farmer replies
go ahead but hes a dog he dont talk , the man says hello doggie how are you the dog replies im fine well fed
and looked after , the farmer is amazed but they walk on ,in the next field the farmers horse comes across to
greet them , can i speak to your horse says the man , now your being daft says the farmer , hello horsey , how
are you says the man , really good says the horse plenty hay and a warm stable , the farmer is astounded . they
carry on walking until a sheep wanders up to the farmer and starts baaaaaaaing , The farmer says to the man ,
before we go any further ,
That sheeps a liar !!
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