I only pass 'em on....

A college student was golfing with an older man. Eventually they reach the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the fairway. The student says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to play short on the first shot." The old man snorts with laughter and says, "Hah! A young man like you? When I was your age, I could clear that tree with a 4 iron."

The youngster, not wanting to be outdone by the old man, grabs a 3 iron to be safe and takes a whack. ‘THUNK’, it hits the tree and bounces back towards him, while the old man laughs at him. The student tries again with a 3 wood and again ‘THUNK’, the ball smacks the trunk and rolls back. The pensioner is now doubled over laughing. Furious at his humiliation, the student tries one last time with a new driver and again ‘THUNK’ the ball is nowhere near clearing the tree. He turns to the old man and says "For crying out loud, you must have been a hell of a long hitter, when you were younger, to clear that tree with a 4 iron."

"Well son," says the old man smiling, "when I was your age that tree was only 10 ft tall."...

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late.
He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. He says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school.
I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny!
Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear.
The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that?"
Johnny replied .......

"Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."...

A man came home from work and found his three children outside still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was pushed up against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and it was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered ...........

"Well, today I didn't do it."...

On her first day at the retirement complex the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:
"The female's rooms will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male's rooms to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined £60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of £180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older lady named Betty stood up in the crowd and enquired .........

"How much for a season ticket?"...

BREAKING NEWS.....

LATEST PICTURES FROM MARS......

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterwards, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he asked the nurse to go to Italy and have the baby there. He promised to take care of all the expenses and pay child maintenance. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write, um ....... "spaghetti" on the back. Then I'll start child maintenance." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the A&E. A kind neighbour stayed with the wife to comfort her. The neighbour asked the wife if she knew what trauma had precipitated the husband's cardiac arrest.

The wife picked up the card and said. "I'm at a loss! He received this strange card which reads Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - one with sausage and meatballs; two without."...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat arrive at the gates of heaven.
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd Says: "I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master."
"Good," says God, "then sit down on my right side."
"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my master."
"Aha," said God, "you may sit to my left."
Then he looks at the cat and asks: "And what do you believe in?"

The cat replies: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."...

My new chiropodist doesn't know his right from his left.

Needless to say, we started off on the wrong foot....

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