Re: I only pass 'em on....

by **Admin** Mon 02 Dec 2019, 7:17 pm

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" ..........

"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

by **Admin** Wed 04 Dec 2019, 7:17 pm

A man came home from work and found his three children outside still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Heading into the hall, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the rug was pushed up against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and it was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was certain that she must be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, miles of toilet paper laying in a heap and toothpaste smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered .........

"Well, today I didn't do it." Embarassed

by **Admin** Mon 09 Dec 2019, 9:12 pm

by gassey Wed 11 Dec 2019, 3:01 pm

Just done my Christmas good deed
In Tesco an old lady was paying for her shopping and it
came to £55 , after turning out her purse and emptying all her
pockets she only had £50 . so i offered to help , thinking it must
be someones grandmother and id have hoped someone would have
helped if it was my grandmother, she told she couldnt possibly accept
my offer but i insisted

in no time at all we had all her shopping back on the shelves !

by **Admin** Fri 13 Dec 2019, 7:15 pm

Well, the Politics is over...so back to normal, what..??

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing....

Winking

by **Admin** Wed 18 Dec 2019, 2:56 pm

by **Admin** Wed 18 Dec 2019, 3:57 pm

by **Admin** Fri 27 Dec 2019, 2:37 am

by **Admin** Sat 28 Dec 2019, 7:16 pm

I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin. People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really. Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie. affraid

by Maureen Sat 28 Dec 2019, 7:45 pm

by **Admin** Sun 29 Dec 2019, 4:16 pm

An American photographer on Holiday was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call".

The American, being intrigued, asked a Priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The Priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven & that for £10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the Priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Lincoln. There, at the Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby Nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
"Okay, thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to York, Durham & Birmingham. In every Cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, then decided to travel to the North West to see if they had the same phone.
He arrived in the small town of Wigan and went into the local Church, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "50 pence per call".
The American was surprised so he asked the Vicar about the sign. "Reverend, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many Churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it only 50 pence here?"

The Holy Man smiled and answered, "You're in Wigan now Son ... it's a local call."

by gassey Sun 05 Jan 2020, 12:39 pm

A Brummie went into tailors and said " iod lioke
a 70s three piece suit pleyse , the taylor says certainly
sir , and would you like a kipper tie , the brummie says
yes please with two sugars

Get Me Coat

by **Admin** Sun 05 Jan 2020, 12:54 pm

Good one, gassey...it took a while but... cheers

by gassey Tue 07 Jan 2020, 6:19 pm

A rather large lady wearing sundress went into a bar in Dublin
raising her arm to reveal a very hairy armpit she yells who will buy
a woman a drink , the customers ignore her except for a squiffy eyed
drunk at the bar who puts money on the bar and says give the ballerina
a drink wich she downs in one gulp . again she raise her arm to reveal
the huge hairy armpit and bellows who will buy the lady another drink
again the drunk says give the ballerina another drink again she downs it
in one and again raises her arm to show the hairy armpit the drunk puts
his hand in his pocket and the barman goes over to him and says , its no
buisness of mine who you buy a drink for paddy but why do you keep calling
her a ballerina ? paddy replies any woman who can lift her leg that high has
to be a ballerina

by **Admin** Mon 13 Jan 2020, 8:48 pm

by gassey Tue 14 Jan 2020, 8:40 pm

FIVE MEN WITH MASKS ON AND BASEBALL BATS
JUST BURST INTO MY FLAT LOOKING FOR MONEY

I JOINED IN AND WE HAD FUN LOOKING BUT THEY
LEFT EMPTY HANDED

by **Admin** Tue 14 Jan 2020, 8:42 pm

They came over to my place afterwards, gassey...the same thing ensued...Bah Humbug.... Embarassed

by gassey Tue 14 Jan 2020, 9:22 pm

Admin

by **Admin** Fri 17 Jan 2020, 7:13 pm

Back in the 60s the cast of the magnificent seven were asked to promote Liverpool football club's new aftershave,they all agreed apart from Mr Brynner,because

Yul never wore cologne.

Groan...I'll get me coat.....

Tell 'em Ray...

by ramiejamie Fri 17 Jan 2020, 7:31 pm

LOL!!!!!

Belter that one Admin Here's to you

by gassey Sat 18 Jan 2020, 9:22 am

Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights , a young pretty girl
pulls up right next to him , paddy smiles and winds his window
down , the girl gives a long radiant smile and winds her window
down , to wich paddy shouts ah

have you farted too !!

by **Admin** Sat 18 Jan 2020, 7:12 pm

A professional dietitian was lecturing in front of a group of people, all of whom said they wanted to lose weight. The dietitian was explaining that diet should also address healthier living as many foods were both fattening and potentially harmful. “Sugary carbonated drinks can damage the lining of our stomach and bladder, processed food may be full of chemicals, meat can be full of preservatives and/or hormones, and even fruit and vegetables may have been sprayed with pesticides. And I haven’t even got onto fatty foods yet! Do you know which type of dessert or cake will give you the most troubles and suffering for many years after you’ve eaten it?”

The whole group fell silent, until an 80-year-old man sitting in the back stood up and said:

“A wedding cake…?”

by Maureen Sat 18 Jan 2020, 7:18 pm

Fred..

by **Admin** Sat 18 Jan 2020, 7:22 pm

I can guarantee it, Mo....

Here's to you

by **Admin** Tue 21 Jan 2020, 3:55 am

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