I only pass 'em on....

Happy Easter everyone.

Sorry, but I suffer from premature congratulations.

An old one from my fave cuz...:

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."...

Jeff Bezos is cleaning out his attic and stumbles upon a magic lamp

Naturally, he rubs it and out comes a genie.

As soon as the genie comes out, he starts walking away.

Genie: Uhm...hello, I’m a genie...what about the wish?

Bezos: Erh, fine, what do you want?...

I see you....I see that little smile...

TAXI...!!!

A vicar was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish. Michael Gove, a leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the vicar decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But, as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, Michael Gove rushed in, full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to give his talk before making the presentation.

"I'll never forget the first day our vicar arrived in the parish," said Michael Gove. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession!"...

A French policeman stops an English car in France and asks the man 
   inside to wind the window down , he smells alcohol , and the mans eyes are 
  glazed , have you been drinking sir asks the cop , the man agrees that he had 
  been drinking heavily as his daughter had been married that morning , the 
  cop breathalises him and finds he is totally hammered . Right sir your test is positive 
  do you now understand  why you will be prosecuted under French law ? , not clue
   says the man but while we're asking questions , did you know this is an English
   car and my wife is driving on the other side !!

English, Irish, Welsh, and Scottish contractors, in a pub.

English chap says "Can't wait for this contract to finish so I can get home to my family. My boy's 5 soon and we named him George, as he was born on St George's day."

Welshman says "That's amazing, my boy is called David for same reason"

Scotsman says "Unbelievable, my boy is called Andrew for the same reason"

Irishman says, "Oh beejeesus, what a coincidence, can't wait until I get home to see my lad, Pancake"....

A 75-year-old lady never had any children, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with IVF.
He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
A few months later she got pregnant and after her little boy was born, she invited her friends over to see the baby, as they were all very anxious to see him.
The new mother said, "why don't we just talk a while?."
As time went on, her friends asked again and again where the baby was but she said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
Finally they insisted on seeing him.
She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
The women were puzzled and asked why.
She replied ...............

"I don't remember where I put him."....

A husband goes with his wife to her 25th school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a man on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that man? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"....

A cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he notices a very small island. On the island he spots a very thin, suntanned man with long, unkempt hair. He can see that the man jumping up and down and waving furiously. The passenger turns around and sees the ship's Captain, so he draws his attention to the man. “Captain, what’s up with that fellow on that island. Why is he waving at us?”

The Captain shrugs his shoulders. “No idea but he always seems happy to see us whenever we sail past.”...

Problem’s with shopping online:

The Amazon search engine is so useless. I tried to look up cigarette lighters and got 13,239 matches!

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for my feed back!

Selling online is another matter altogether:

My homing pigeon is turning out to be very popular on Gumtree - I've sold it 16 times already!

I lost all the vowels from my Scrabble set - so I sold it on Facebook Marketplace as a Welsh edition.