I only pass 'em on....

Some one-liners.

Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?

The world champion tongue twister got arrested, I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof, he disappeared without a tres.

Even more one-liners :-

The man who invented Velcro has died, RIP.  

This is my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder.

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium got married, I was like OMg.

I've been on three dates with a guy who works at a zoo, I think he's a keeper.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water, I Schwepped her off her feet.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

I like number three, Ray.................

Admin wrote:I like number three, Ray.................

Thanks Admin , there are more to come.

Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked.
"Nope, I only need one ball."
"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?"
"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one."
"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball"
"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?"
"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball"
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?"
"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
"I found it."

More one-liners :-

I bought a cheap wig this morning, it was a small price toupee.

The population of Ireland's capital city is really growing fast, it's Dublin.

I went to the library and asked if they had the book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat,
the librarian said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if they had it or not.

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a tramp came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"
"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well, then," said the tramp, "what are you doing in my bed?"............................

Some more one-liners :-

The 31st May sheep dog trials will only allow certain dog breeds to enter
as it’s a ‘ban collie day’.

I just heard that Bilbo Baggins died of a Viagra overdose.
I guess old Hobbits die hard.

Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined because of Coronavirus.
Imagine all the people.

Hilarious, young man.....hilarious......................

Many thanks Admin, especially the 'young man' bit !!!!!! LOL

And there's more ........

Do you know why German children are the best?
Because they’re kinder, hope you can all speak German

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word!!!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room, then a man enters and asks, “Can you see me?” and they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

I’ve been telling people about the benefit of eating dried grapes,
it’s all about raisin awareness.

A coach full of musicians has broken down on the M5, blocking 2 lanes.
Police say to expect some lengthy jams.

The man who invented throat lozenges died recently,
there was no coffin at the funeral.