I only pass 'em on....

Above soooooo true.

More one-liners.

I've decided to sell all my chiropractic magazines, I have loads of back issues.

There's a new a travel guide highlighting towns and cities with badly laid paving slabs. It's called TripAdvisor!!!

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub,
but a 30 minute walk back from the same pub.
The difference is simply staggering !

Some one-liner ‘bar’ jokes :-

A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka the bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’

A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…

The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar, things got a little tense.

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.*
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself..'
Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!................

Some one-liner ‘bar’ jokes :-

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘is this stool taken?’

A perfectionist walked into a bar........ apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Four fonts walk into a bar, the bartender says, ‘Hey! we don’t want your type in here!’

There'll be all sorts of s**t stuff flying round tomorrow !!!!!

I arrived early at the restaurant last night.
“Do you mind waiting for a bit?”, the manager asked.
“Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these drinks to table 9″

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."..................

Ooooh-ah....................

Some one-liners :-

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury.
No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

DF ^^^^^^ 7-39 blimey a bit riské !!!!!!

The definition of cricket explained .......
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game..............