I only pass 'em on....

IS THIS THE FUTURE .... OR IS IT NOW!
Hello! Gordon's pizza? ...... No sir, this is Google's pizza.
Did I dial a wrong number? ...... No sir, Google bought the business.
OK. Can you take my order please ...... Well sir, do you want the usual?
The usual? You know me? ...... According to your caller ID, in the last 12 times you ordered pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni and thick crust.
Okay! That sounds like it ...... May I suggest to you this time - ricotta, spinach and dry tomato?
No, I hate vegetables! ...... But your cholesterol is high.
How do you know? ...... Through the patients guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last five years
Okay, but I do not want this pizza, I already take medicine ...... You have not taken the medicine regularly. 4 months ago, you only purchased a box of 30 tablets at Discount Pharmaceuticals.
I bought more from another pharmacy ...... It's not showing on your credit card.
I paid cash ...... But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
I have another source of cash ......This is not showing on your last Tax return. So you got it from undeclared income source?
WHAT ON EARTH? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp ......
I'm going to an island without internet, where there is no cell phone line and no one to spy on me ......
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago............

Excellent Lord's Prayer...DF................

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

I got a Womble pepper grinder last week, it's rubbish, everything is either underground or overground.

Apparently, soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called ‘Bear’.
He wrote the music you hear on the phone when you've been put on hold.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?
A shoe

Police Officer: “I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire content of Wikipedia”.
Me: “Wait, I can explain everything!”

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette?,
because one egg is un oeuf.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
"five beers please"

I quit my job at the helium factory today, I'm not being spoken to in that tone of voice.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween, ironic really, they don’t appreciate random people knocking on their door.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords from stem cells in a lab.
They say the results will speak for themselves.